The Guest Column

A friend of mine volunteered to write a guest column for Cheap Ass Dates and what he's written is pretty hilarious. I think you guys will enjoy this one or be disturbed by it. One or the other it's all in good humor.

So this is it folks, the first guest column to appear on Cheap Ass Dates. I know what some of you may be thinking, who is this guy and what qualifies him to write a column over me? These are both very good questions, so allow me to briefly explain my credentials. I think this picture sums it up pretty well:

That’s me making inappropriate poses behind an unsuspecting life guard. Not enough for you? How’s about this?

Its okay my friends, you may stop dropping your jaw and close your mouth at this time. I know that by now surely your doubts on my understanding of dating world have been quelled. Now let’s talk about the big bad wonderful world o dating!

The first thing I’d like to talk about is George Sodini.

For those of you who do not know, George Sodini is the Pittsburgh Gym Shooter. He left a blog behind detailing his plans long before he ever carried them out. For information you can read up here http://wdbo.com/localnews/2009/08/just-discovered-pennsylvania-g.html. Sodini seems to imply the motivation and reasoning behind his actions was due to the fact that he couldn’t get a date.

Fact the First: Every person on this planet is capable of attracting date.

Now before I go breaking down what I think of the Sodini case let me just put in a disclaimer. Having read the blog and watched his videos, I believe the man is a psycho, if he were to have dated a woman and she had tried to break it off with him I believe he would have done extensive physical harm to her and probably killed her. That being said I also believe that the reason he couldn’t get a date is because he set his standards too high and it affected his level of confidence in himself.

Sodini had apparently attended a seminar on meeting and seducing younger women. This tells me that his problem was not meeting women; his problem was he wanted to meet a certain type of woman. This reminds me of an old saying “Go Ugly Early.”

Fact the Second: There is an ugly person out there for everyone.

I’ll take a second to let that soak in. Talking to the opposite sex can be an obstacle for some, especially males who feel pressured by peers or family to find an attractive partner. I’m by no means saying settle, but it doesn’t hurt to practice. Let’s run a scenario, shall we?

Before we begin I must put in another disclaimer. While I may advocate using less attractive people as practice I do not condone being insensitivity to their needs or purposely mistreating them as human beings. Now back to our scenario…

If you’re half the catch you think you are it should be no problem for you to pick up an ugly person. And let’s say you mess up in your approach or open, the ugly person should still be interested in you because odds are most people don’t approach them and try to get to know them. This is perfect practice for when it comes time to try pick up someone you may actually be physically attracted to.

Some of you may not be convinced, so let’s look at another example…this time from Hollywood. The movie, A Beautiful Mind, with Russell Crow. In the scene with the blonde in the bar the character John Nash states “If we all go for the blonde and block each other, not a single one of us is going to get her. So then we go for her friends, but they will all give us the cold shoulder because no one likes to be second choice. But what if none of us goes for the blonde? We won't get in each other's way and we won't insult the other girls. It's the only way to win. It's the only way we all get laid.” By going for the blonde’s less attractive friends Nash and buddies have guaranteed themselves a good night. This scenario works for ladies too, except that it won’t matter if you go for the good looking guy first since his friends are happy to take second choice because you have boobs. But seriously fellas, we can’t all have Megan Fox. And, speaking Megan Fox…

Fact the Third: Megan Fox is attractive and most guys want to do nasty things to her.

Guys, I don’t care who you are you’re better off hoping that she makes a sex tape with Scarlett Johansson than you are trying to date her. This is a woman who has been quoted as saying “My only job is to wake up, take a shower, and look attractive.” You don’t want that. Plus she’s been with Brian Austin Green, do you really want David Silver’s sloppy seconds? Need more proof that Megan Fox isn’t for you? Let’s watch this Jimmy Kimmel interview with Seth Rogen:

Here’s a little scenario that was once told to me by a Major while I was in the Army. We were discussing how some of my friends at the time were engaged to be married and how young and stupid they were. It was at this time the Major pulled up a picture of Christie Brinkley and he said: “You see that, Billy Joel got tired of fucking that!”

Fact the Fourth: For every extremely hot chick out there, there is some guy that is tired of fucking her and putting up with her shit to do it.

He then went on to explain that it was best to date and mess around until at least 32 when you realize that all women are crazy and you have decided just how much crazy you’re willing to handle, then go out and find you some nice young side piece to marry.

Now getting back to the topic of Seth Rogen let's look at this clip from Entourage:

Fact the Fifth: Entourage is a great show

As much as I hate to admit it, Turtle does have a point. The odds of the scenario that occurred in Knocked Up happening to Average Joe Stoner in real life are pretty poor. That is unless Average Joe Stoner has the confidence to at least talk and introduce himself to an attractive woman, which brings me back to my point of practicing on less attractive people.

Confidence is one of those things that no matter what sex you are everyone seems to look for in a mate so it never hurts to take the time to practice. So the next time you see someone all alone huddle in the corner go up and talk to them, make their night and I’m sure eventually someone will help to make yours.

Please feel free to leave comments, I will respond to them and make sure to join me next time when I discuss the following scenario that may haunt you “I broke up with my Ex and now they’re dating a douche bag.”